Happy Halloween, friends! I admit that I have no plans today other than sitting in my cat t-shirt and trying not to eat the candy slated for any trick or treaters that may show up. I realized I haven’t done a lifestyle post in quiiiite some time so I thought that the last day of Blogtober would be a great time to give you a bit of a life update, which coincidentally will give you some insight into why my blog is called what it is.
I admit that the last month hasn’t been a very good one for me, which I suppose is why I haven’t been sharing with you, but I realized that I didn’t want to keep you in the dark about the bad stuff while shining a light on the good. So this post may be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, but don’t worry – I’ll intersperse it with pictures of Korra to try to keep things at least somewhat light.
Unemployment has really been getting to me. I totally admit that I threw myself into Blogtober to try to keep myself distracted from the looming financial destitution (okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic). It partly worked – for the first half of the month I was chipper and (mostly) content. I mean, everyone has good days and bad days, but my days were mostly good. I mean, I even went to Thanksgiving with Dylan’s friends whom I had never met before! It wasn’t easy and my anxiety was pretty strong, but I made it through the day and managed to have a really good time while doing it. And the turkey was delicious.
But things started to get worse from there on out. Sending out job applications with no results gets really difficult after a while and my mental healthy really started to show it. I honestly only got out of bed some days because I wanted to spend time with Dylan before school. Getting out of PJ’s before noon was miraculous – and even then I pretty much lived in pyjama pants. I rarely left the house. Writing blog posts was one of the most difficult things that I had done, but I was determined to do it. It was one of the few things that I could feel any sort of sense of accomplishment and self-worth towards.
I doubt they realize it, but the Canadian Beauty Bloggers group has really helped me. These ladies are so wonderful and supportive of each other and being able to chat with them helped me to pull myself up. I feel like I have made some amazing friends out of my fellow bloggers and having friends again is really nice. It’s hard to meet people in a new city when you’re too anxious to leave the house most days.
Not having a path has really not helped either. I don’t know where I want to be in a month (other than employed) let alone a year. Do I want to be an architect? A planner? A writer? A graphic designer? All I know for sure is that school isn’t happening for me for a while – I need to get my brain sorted before I can tackle being a student again. I do not need another breakdown mid-semester, especially because I wouldn’t have Dylan to take my notes for me like I did when we were in all the same classes. And while this knowledge is good it really isn’t helping me have motivation. I mean, I couldn’t even go to architecture school if I wanted to next year…I dropped the Physics and Calculus courses I was taking online this month because I just couldn’t motivate myself to do it. What a waste of money and time.
I am very much a goal-oriented person, so not having long term goals has left me floating around the house with little purpose, other than to get a blog post out each day. I swear this blog has been the only thing keeping me sane the past few weeks! Even on the days where I felt like I was shouting out into the void at least I had created a thing that I could show off. It allowed me a little bit of self-validation at least.
I wish I could say that I was doing so much better now, that I felt great and that my motivation was coming back to me. Maybe today is just a bad day (I hope so) because the last few days have been pretty great – I mean, I even got my prescriptions refilled and got my flu shot. That feels pretty damn impressive to me. This mental health thing is certainly an uphill battle…and I haven’t written this because I want pity or anything like that. I wrote this because as I said before, I want you to know the real Jodi behind the blog, not the chipper face I’ve been putting on the past month. I mean…I am a fairly chipper person when my mental health allows, so it wasn’t totally fake, I was just very much forcing it. If I didn’t acknowledge the problem it would go away, right?
Anyway, thanks for listening friends. Thank you for your support of this blog the past eight months and for accepting me with open arms into this blogging community. Even on the worst days the blog gives me a reason to get out of bed, which is nice.
PS – I post a lot of pictures of Korra on my Instagram if you want more of that.